Lately I've been finding that by 8 or 9pm, I'm so bagged I cannot even hold my head up. As much as I'd like to fight it, I just can't. I'm 40 I guess and my body and mind are starting to surprise me sometimes. I used to tease my parents about eating at 3pm and being in bed by 8pm but now that I'm there (some of the time), I take it back. My Dad used to get up around Midnight and we'd often find him asleep in "his chair" early in the morning. He didn't always do it but usually there would be snacks involved.
This morning Arthur barked at 3am because he doesn't think people should be walking outside at that time of night (or day). I got up and hushed him and try as I might, couldn't go back to sleep. Oddly, when I have to wake up to be somewhere early, I have a really hard time without my coffee and yet, phone me at 2am and tell me you think labor may be starting and I'm wide awake. I'd rather hear the phone ring than the dog bark :) So, as I wander around in the wee hours with no interest in late night or early morning TV, I find myself pondering the meaning of life starting with birth. When I wake up this early sometimes I get sad and anxious about all the areas of my life that are not working perfectly well. I sometimes wish I was on a warm island with nothing to eat but pineapple, mangos and coconuts. I pull up homework or blog or check facebook. I try not to eat, even though I'm hungry; because one of my morning thoughts is "you really need to lose this weight so you can attend births without postpartum back pain."
My journey to Africa is getting closer, now into the OMG this is really happening stage. I'm really going to be a Midwife (some say I became a midwife the moment I felt the spiritual call). I seem to be feeling some anxiety. All the 'what if's' are creeping up. I'm struggling to get my brain wrapped around which homeopathic's to take along? How many shampoo bars should I take? Maybe I should take all that I have and give them as gifts from Canada? And the most challenging question, How? How did I get here? How did I get lucky enough to figure out who and what I am before my knees give out? How am I going to get healthier so I can stand up for 24 hours at a time and still be useful? How am I going to pay for all this and pay my bills? How can I possibly maintain my existing relationships when my head is reeling? How can I keep my cynical feelings from creeping into my current reality? How, how, how???
I want my Mom... and my Dad. At least with them I could say the words "I'm having a cynical morning" and know that they would let me sleep as a reward for my stellar use of the dictionary.
Back to 2011 - Soon I will see my bedraggled little, curly headed charmer as she slowly wakes up and I will know that I must stay the cold weather and only go away if it involves catching babies and finishing university. Heather is my fourth child, now a teeny bopper. I call her GF (grand finale), my power birth, HFM (short for Heatherfeathermerryweather), Pickle and her least favorite, "Heath." As I parent young adults and teenagers, I am consistently reminded of my "Reality," even while they sleep.
This song is probably about a lover who is "gone in the morning" but for me it's an expression of those mornings when I'm climbing into bed after a night of Blessed Birth and of times I just wish for warmth and fruit and clarity of thought and no responsibilities to take me out into the snow.
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